Rough Roads - Grace Needed

Okay friends, time to be real. Not that I haven't been real all along but this time it's gut wretching...heart tearing...REAL. One of the reasons for continuing our blog was to keep things real... honest and provide a glimpse into our journey as a family. Along all roads there are at times bumps, rough patches, areas where you have to go reeaallly slow. Well, we've been experiencing one of those types of roads this summer, which is why there hasn't been a post since June. yikes. As we continue to share our journey, we hope it offers encouragment to others, we hope you hear our hearts and we hope that God is glorified in and through us.

Adoption is one of the most amazing gifts and blessings. But... It. Is. HARD. (sometimes)

For the past seven months we have been struggling as a family to help M deal with her emotions. This is a huge challenge just in the fact that she's only 5 and really doesn't understand her feelings let alone have the ability to always verbalize them.

Let me explain what I mean. Sometime around January/February she began to have these anger outbursts, she had a few before this but it was at this time they started to become more and more frequent, we had a harder time helping her calm down, she was physically violent and she began saying some pretty hurtful things. Things that no five year old should ever say - or even know about. I was shocked and TOTALLY unprepared for this! I took it very personally the things she was saying and let them hurt me. As a result I started to put a wall up around myself and would just go through the motions in caring for her, not really caring because I was hurt.

I would get really frustrated (and still do sometimes) with her behavior. Her defiance. Her anger. I found myself lacking control and getting irritated with her instead of being helpful... I was adding to the problem. Many days I found myself just sobbing because I couldn't figure out what went wrong... what happened... how did we get here on this road? And why?


Then she got really sick and we ended up in the hospital for a few days and she had my undivided attention while I helped care for her. The wall came down - partially - and I saw just how needy she really was. How she has fought for herself her entire life.

In Ch*ina, you have to provide your own nurse to take care of you when you are hospitalized. Since she was alone those first few months of her life, an orphan, most likely there were nannies who came once and awhile for her but were not there 24/7. Being in a hospital anywhere is scary for a child, going through surgery, recovery all that stuff and to be alone - my heart aches thinking about it. An infant needs attention & care, espcially one who is ill. So, M has always fought for herself... trying to get what she needs or thinks she needs... and not really letting anyone too close. It breaks my heart to think of the things she's endured in her young life and then I get upset with myself for letting it affect me. I'm the adult. I should be able to look beyond the words, attitudes, and fits and just see her need.

Ya know - that is one of my favorite old hymns, "He looked beyond my faults and saw my needs". It's so true! God looks at us, His children, and probably wants to put a wall up sometimes, shake His head and cry when He sees our attitudes and actions. But yet, despite our failures, faults and fits... He loves us - so much that He gave His son for us. I pray that I can be more Christ-like toward M and see her needs and not her fits.

The walls of my frustration and shortcomings are coming down and are instead being rebuilt with grace, mercy, compassion and patience. Everyday is a challenge, some easier than others... but we get through it only because of the GRACE of God. G R A C E - it's a word we have been learning the full meaning of. Not only have we been teaching our girls about GRACE but also we've been learning this ourselves as we too are reminded of the GRACE that God has given to each one of His adopted children. We deserve NOTHING and yet He so faithfully loves us... cares for us... and provides for us. What we DO deserve, Christ has paid the penalty for us. It's amazing - Grace that is!

Yes, I've failed many times in my responses to her. But, praise God, for His mercy is always new, fresh, just what I need. He is doing a new thing in M and in each one of us! We are learning that His grace is sufficient for all we need.

Lamentations 3:21-24 "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'"

2nd Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."